the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
No...this little piggys going to the bar
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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