pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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