that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize