Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
this hospital has no fireball
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
