So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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