if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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