i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
