She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Randomize
