i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
