So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
