hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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