apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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