Please, let me fuck your mom
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
