capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
