Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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