I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
