hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
