I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
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