I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
