I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize