I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
