I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
