Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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