The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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