I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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