Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
