My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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