Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
He kissed a someone with a penis
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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