also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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