What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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