Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
My vagina is officially offended.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Randomize
