You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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