Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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