so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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