by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Randomize
