she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
