So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize