He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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