official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Randomize
