sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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