Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
