Betty ford says i'm here all night
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
