someone get that fucking seahorse.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
