I CAN MOONWALK!
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
