i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
