Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize