So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize