so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
