I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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