i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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