WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
