So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Randomize