I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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