wrigley field is MILF paradise
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
