I think I won the penis lottery.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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