Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Randomize
