dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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